hilarious_jack's Xanga

Friday, August 01, 2008

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 06:31:01 GMT

i saw this dance in a site that my friend told me about. this is cool.

let us see you do this

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 06:53:31 GMT

Check this one out

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 06:50:52 GMT

my friend asked me to look into this site and vote for her. i think this site is pretty cool. they've got really funny entries and unique challenges. check it out.

The Condom Emergency

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 05:42:20 GMT

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

Funny Break-Up Excuses

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 09:03:19 GMT

From Potflix: What is your best excuse for breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Below are the TOP 10 Break-Up Lines:

(These are very lame excuses! )

10 I discovered I have a mild form of epilepsy and you bring on attacks because you make me too excited to be around you.

9 I have a pet dog, he kisses like you, his breath is like yours, he pants like you. I love him dearly but I wouldn't want to marry him. Lets part before this goes any farther.

8 We just grew apart I don't need you anymore.

7 You mean more to me than life itself -- but I'm suicidal.

6 I want someone who can buy me a new car...Can you buy me a new car???

5 I'm sorry, but there just isn't room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator.

4 You're too young for me. I mean, too old. But we're the same age. Well, that doesn't work for me, either.

3 My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture.

2 This just isn't for me. Nothing personal. I want to be able to tell people I'm single.

1 You talked about the future, and that freaked me out. It makes me sick to think about it.

What Kids Say about Kissing

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 00:26:00 GMT

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down, and they don't get up for at least an hour." -- Wendy, age 8
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -- Jim, age 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -- Kally, age 9
"You learn [how to kiss] right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." -- Doug, age 7
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." -- Roger, age 6
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." -- Tammy, age 10
"I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." -- Gina, age 8
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." -- Curt, age 7
"The rules goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry her and have kids with her. It's the right thing to do." -- Howard, age 8
(on seeing a couple kissing) "He is trying to steal her chewing gum!" -- Boy, age 6

Hey you, whatcha looking at?

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 00:52:31 GMT

Looks like Scarlett Johansson's producer got a good view of her cleavage...

Are you into DARES?

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 08:37:36 GMT

Some list of funny dares from Potflix.com:

You think you can take them all? Try it out!

- Go up to a random person in the school and pat them on the shoulder. Then say "Oops, I think I got the wrong person." And walk away. Act SURPRISED.

- You and a buddy or a group of friends get into a fist fight in a public place. Don't stop fighting unless someone stops you or someone says that thay are calling the cops.

- Enter a public restroom of the opposite sex (enter male if your a female & vice versa). Fix yourself up even if there are people there!

- Do a funny impersonation of your favorite celebrity.

Signup here. They are giving away prizes if you can submit videos performing the dare!!

Knowing your blind date beforehand

Wed, 09 May 2007 07:34:32 GMT

Most bachelors have been victims of a blind date...

Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always willing to "fix up" unsuspecting
bachelors with girls whom they describe as "perfect for you."

However, from the usual descriptions given, it is difficult to imagine what these girls may be like.
To know what your blind date looks like beforehand, here are a few truths you need to remember: 

What they say: Dandy little house keeper
What they really mean: She has been married three times and kept all the houses

What they say: Knows how to handle money
What they really mean: She's a spendthrift and great at spending yours

What they say: Strong family ties
What they really mean: She's a Mafia Princess

What they say: Loves children
What they really mean: She's pregnant and needs a husband

What they say: Great sense of humor
What they really mean: She's fat and will laugh at anything you say

What they say: The outdoor type
What they really mean: She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the guys

What they say: Ready to settle down
What they really mean: She's 35, in a state of panic, and dying to marry

What they say: Likes to have a good time
What they really mean: She gets drunk a lot

What they say: Lots of fun at parties
What they really mean: Often makes an fool of herself

What they say: Mature woman
What they really mean: She's at least 30, but looks at least 45

What they say: Has the appearance of a young school girl
What they really mean: She's at least 33, but dresses like a teenager

What they say: Casual
What they mean: She dresses like a slob

What they say: Decorated her own place
What they really mean: Her apartment resembles a pig sty

What they say: Great dancer
What they really mean: She'll wear the soles right off your shoes

What they say: Not overly emotional
What they really mean: She only cries 27 times a day

What they say: Doesn't chase men
What they really mean: She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type

What they say: Understands men
What they really mean: She's been married and divorced 4 times

What they say: Good sport
What they really mean: She knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under the table

What they say: Looks and dresses like a model
What they really mean: She's five eleven and weighs seventy three pounds

What they say: Been in show business
What they really mean: She's a former porn movie star

What they say: Traveled a lot
What they really mean: She's searched high and low for a husband

What they say: Knows a lot of interesting people
What they really mean: None of whom would marry her

What they say: Wonderful disposition 
What they really mean: She's ugly

What they say: Fine character
What they really mean: She's ugly


What they say: Spotless reputation
What they really mean: She's ugly

What they say: Wonderful personality
What they really mean: She's ugly/fat
 
Peace out to all women!

Now Showing!

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 01:16:09 GMT

Choose your pick! Which movie will you watch?


President Evil: Iraqalypse                            THE GoRINCH


101 Lies and Exaggerations                       Dirty Rotten Scoundrels


Chicken Run 2                                            The Sixth Sense